merriam-webster’s definitions 1b and 1c of change are: to make radically different. to give a different position, course, or direction to.

it is one of the most difficult things to do, while being among the most simple things to do in the scale of human difficulty. at least that’s my perception. we become so inescapably bound to the things that give us pleasure, comfort, fleeting happiness that our cognition is unable to see the stagnation, repetition, and stifling growth in our faces. if we do our best we get 6-8 hours of sleep in a 24-hour day. what we do with the 16-18 hours is what builds to sweeping change, minute change, no change, further stagnation, further coddling or simply nothing at all. i cannot play judge. i am and have been caught in the dependence on things, entertainment, television, excess, perception, ego and all of the things that coincide with them and i have stifled my ability to learn, to express. i have done a great deal of wasting my time while simultaneously stunting my mental growth.

the blame can’t entirely go to the world, to america. we all make choices. we all become a part of what we want, feed whatever desires we develop, do the things we feel are important. allocate time to people, places, ideas and situations of no merit. comfort ourselves with the idea that the little bit of good we do will be enough to absolve us when our predecessors and peers inquire about what we’ve done to balance the scale of justice.

is this what happens (what i’m writing) when you have an epiphany? is it supposed to be frustrating? is it supposed to completely frighten you by making you question the devotion you’ve given to every ritual and thing you hold dear? are you supposed to instantaneously “make a radical difference?” can you even do it?

i am so unabashedly afraid that i will continue to live my life, express the thoughts i have, do the things i do and never come close to tapping into a tenth of the most amazing thoughts my mind can perceive. i don’t brag about my mind because i’m a genius, my intelligence quotient is above average but not genius-level. i do think i have the ability to grow into a person that can be mentally astute, but even then i’ll have so much to learn. i want to learn, i want to be a better person, i want to be more than i am, to lead a transitive life not a typical one. 

but all of these desires battles with needs and the abstract constantly quarrels with the concrete. bills have to be paid, debts have to be repaid, we have to eat, we have to have shelter, we have to be hygienic (that word is spelled so awkwardly, awkwardly is too). 

maybe (definitely, assuredly) i will stagger back into what i’ve always done. because the weight of what i know and the power of one of the keystones of humanity—nostalgia—towers over me and creates and perpetuates a fear and unsettled view of the unknown i will fail. i don’t like failure, i don’t want to be a failure. but considering that none of us are infallible i should wake up and recognize that i was limited before i was even born.

i wrote all of this because my mind needed release. i wrote this because i want to be a holistic person. not the kind of holistic person i am know; i know about all kinds of tv shows, movies, music, popular culture, random facts, just a myriad things that should not be more prevalent in my mind than legitimate thought and thoughts of what truly matters. i am 21 years old. i am an american. i have been crippled by a broken, antiquated educational system but since i excel in it, i have become tracked to continue in it. i am a citizen in an imperfect country, settled in an imperfect continent on an imperfect planet.

i am as insignificant to the world as an ant is to a human. but my advantage over that ant is my mind. my envy of that ant is his ignorance and his steadfastness.

i don’t want to die without properly impacting the world in a positive way. i don’t want a statue, i just want one man, one woman, one child, one elderly person to smile when they think of something i did for them. 

i desire peace for this troubled, unsettled mind. not the peace of silence on a day with low obligations. i mean peace that allows a mind the room to breathe and flourish.

finally, and ever so ironically. i’ve expressed all these thoughts on a platform that is a product of what cripples me. and that might just be the irony of american privilege.

boundless opportunity and boundless distractions.